Soul Circle: Shamsiel Shahar

keep up the good work. i'm glad you putting your own art into your videos

I agree with dingusmcderplord I think this is pretty short

hell yh was very much looking forward to the next one. gotta agree with dingus there

Yeah, I agree with the other guy, you have givin us more difficult for longer periods so this one feels pretty lackluster (especially for the fact im bi and not seeing the genitals of John Cock made this even easier). I am exited for what will evetually happen though!

I’d like to offer you some constructive criticism. First of all, I’m not saying the video itself is bad. It’s pretty good, I just think both you’re adaptation of Shamsiel and writing in general could use some work. I’m not saying this to be mean or belittle your work, I just think you could improve on it.
I’ll use timestamps as not to type out every line, I’ll highlight moments and lines I really liked and also the ones I think could use some improvement.
If you’re wondering were I got all this information and different impression about Shamsiel: Kyonyuu Fantasy is a series of Visual Novels. Three of the currently seven are about Shamsiel (they are available uncensored and in proper English under the name Funbag Fantasy, there’s also the gacha game Busty Fantasy Burst, but that got AI-translated by a different company than the mainline games).

1:30 Neat idea here having Shamsiel know who spilled seed for her, but be that either her visiting them in their dreams or her being aware to people watching the anime or playing the VNs, both would imply she should know what a screen is.
1:45 A nitpick: Shamsiel never uses Japanese honorifics, neither in the Anime nor the Visual Novels. She refers to people just by their names or gives them nicknames.
2:11-15 “You made my head all clear and smart.”, Why? It’s part of Shamsiel’s character that she always knows more than she let’s on. Especially when it comes to demons and evocation circles. Speaking of the circle it’s not very well explained what went wrong exactly. I understand they are trapped, yes, but the circle also seems to have a mind of it’s own as the story progresses or at least influence Shamsiel’s mind in some way. And if you want to allude to her being changed by the circle, just have her state that she feels strange or not quite like her usual self.
2:33-47 I was going to say that this contradicts most introductions of other girls to Shamsiel, but in those cases they are usually established as rivals to her, so Shamsiel starts these relationships very competitively, so I’ll let it slide. But it could’ve made an excuse for a conflict (which comes into play later).
3:13 Instead of establishing that there is no way out during 2:11-15, why not have Shamsiel be cut off right as she would get to talking about it? Would make the whole thing flow better and not read like retconing after one minute.
3:49-4:15 Just a nitpick in here, but instead of “Don’t you worry cutie … I’m a very helpful succubus!” how about “What’s with that worried face? I wanna go home too, you know~”. Fittingly when her helpfulness is called into question during the second round it would need to be changed to something like “Doesn’t sound like she wants to …”
4:16-5:10 Fittingly teasing and playful during this round. A nitpick instead of “I’m only trying to help, cutie pie~”, maybe something like “Try to hold on~ We’re all depending on you~”.
Would be more fitting to her personality, highlight the player’s agency and with that give more of a reason to actually try.
5:12-6:10 I’ve got a couple more issues with the writing during this round. “No squirming allowed~! You are my prey! Act like it~!”, would work better as “Why are you resisting, hm~? Don’t you want to go home~?”, which means the next one would also need some adjustment, like “Don’t you~? Don’t you~? Then try to resist a succubus’ tittyfuck~!”. Both these changes highlight the situation, give the player more motivation and play into Shamsiel’s teasing nature while the second one mirror’s a quote of hers from the anime.
“You’re supposed to be my partner here!” I know what she means, but “We’re supposed to work together you know~?” would be more fitting, since it’s more playful teasing while she makes it harder herself.
“Would you trade the life you live now … just to let this succubus devour all your seed~?” would work better with something like this “Or could it be … that you only care about the pleasure~?” accordingly “Your heart says run for your live … But your balls say “I wanna lose to Shamsiel!~” would work better as “Your head says no … But your balls scream “I wanna cum for Shamsiel!”~”
The first is teasingly questioning the players motivation at that point, while the answer Shamsiel provides is a fitting insight she would give, while the screaming highlights how much stronger that urge is than the want to return home.
6:20-7:06 Just two things I would change here and that would be the explanation and silencing the other two characters. Make it more clear how the circle is messing with her, maybe have it click that it’s the additional energy being released and just as he’s saying that have him be silenced. Speaking of, it’s not really clear what happens. Are they knocked out? Teleported away?
Otherwise the dialogue works well here.
7:40-7:58 Good incorporation of the overpowering scene.
7:59-9:39 I like the moans cutting her off. A nitpick before I go into the actual issue I have in this round: Shamsiel doesn’t curse like that, she says damn a couple times but never fuck (as a curse). On to the actual issue:
Who is talking here? Is it still Shamsiel at this point or has the circle taken over her mind somehow? If so, what would the stationary circle have from sending Shamsiel and the player back to her world? If Shamsiel is talking what got the circle to do with anything? And if Shamsiel is talking, why would she want the player? As a food source doesn’t make sense in her story (neither before the anime and VNs, nor after). This issue could have been solved by instead of blaming the circle, maybe have Shamsiel pull double duty here, either as I alluded to earlier by seeing Ophi as a rival and getting to caught up in showing of to actually care about getting out of that circle or for a friendlier solution incorporate the joke that Ophi’s been taking notes and establish during the intro that she either asks for a lesson by a more seasoned succubus or Shamsiel volunteers to give her one. And have Shamsiel be too caught up in the teacher role at this point that she doesn’t care about anything else.

Again, the video works and is pretty good for what it is, but with some changes it could be better.
I’m only writing this because I care, if I didn’t enjoy your work, I wouldn’t bother. Feel free to disagree with me or challenge the points I’m making.

bro genuinely™ grabbed a character from a hentai, adapted them to his storyline unapologetically and made a video about it, chad

While I think the idea is neat, Shamsiel's dialouge really doesn't fit her. Yes, she's a succubus, but there is so much more to her personality than: "Give me that semen!". She's bratty, crafty and kind of a goofball while being alluring. Some of her lines are fittingly playful, but the rest completly ignore who she is. She want's a forever snack? She's got one, her husband.

The Goat..

Very good but... sorry it's too talkative and too short, juste one round ?
We waited four months. I'm still looking forward to seeing what comes next. :( tempopsychosis was the perfect balance with talk and rythme. I can't wait to see what comes next.

I was going to say I was slightly disappointed...but that's less about this video being subpar (it's very much not) and more about your last one being much better. After being primed by Ave Ophi this was a bit short